Village Talks Ep. 26 — Toni Nelson with SAGE on "Protecting Black Girlhood"

# Protecting Black Girlhood: How Toni Nelson and SAGE Are Building a Village in Southeast Raleigh

When Toni Nelson talks about her girls, her whole energy shifts.

Her voice gets firm. Her pace slows down. Every word is intentional. You can feel that, for Tony, the room where SAGE meets each week is sacred ground.

Toni is the Assistant Executive Director of SAGE Inc. — Saving Adolescent Girls Everywhere — based in Raleigh, North Carolina. She’s a sociologist by training, currently pursuing her MSW at the University of Houston, and she grew up in the same Southeast Raleigh neighborhoods where many of SAGE’s girls live now.

She’s also a product of Section 8 housing and the Boys & Girls Club. And she remembers very clearly what was missing.

“Oftentimes I didn’t have mentors that looked like me… that went through certain experiences that I identified with.”

Today, Toni is exactly the mentor she once needed.

In this episode of Village Talks with host Damien Howard, Toniopens up about why SAGE exists, what girls are really navigating between ages 12–18, and how a simple *step up, step back* exercise can quietly transform a group of teens into a true village.

This isn’t theory. It’s on-the-ground, week-in, week-out work with Black and Brown girls who are trying to move from survival to thriving.

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## Why SAGE Exists: From Survival Mode to Thriving

When Damien asks Toni about SAGE’s “why,” she doesn’t hesitate.

“That why is the lack of resources, the lack of access to resources, to mentors and to programming that is relevant and culturally responsive.”

SAGE serves girls ages 12 to 18, walking with them from middle school to high school graduation and beyond — “through whatever pathway they decide to choose.” For Tony, the goal is clear:

“Making sure they have someone there to get them not only through the finish line, not only out of survivor mode, but into thriving mode.”

That distinction matters.

Many organizations aim to keep young people “safe” and “on track.” SAGE is aiming further. Survival mode might get a girl to graduation. Thriving mode helps her understand her identity, build healthy relationships, make intentional choices about sex and dating, and imagine a future where she’s more than just “making it.”

And SAGE is explicitly built for Black girls.

Toni grew up as a Black girl in Southeast Raleigh, a “product of the Boys and Girls Club,” often guided by well-meaning adults who did not share her lived experience.

Now, SAGE is reversing that pattern: a Black and Hispanic founder (Tatiana Cooper), a Black woman assistant executive director (Tony), and a president who is a Black woman leading work created by and for the community.

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## What Girls Are Really Facing in Middle School and High School

Damien comes to this conversation as a father of a 15-year-old daughter. He names something many parents and youth workers feel but don’t always say: some conversations are simply not best held with parents.

Not because parents don’t care.

Because young people need safe adults *outside* their home to process what they’re feeling.

Toni sees that reality every week.

She talks about what makes mentorship uniquely important for girls in that 12–18 window:

- Periods, PMS, hormones
- Liking boys — or girls — and what that means for identity
- How faith and sexuality collide or coexist
- The specific cultural experiences of Black girlhood: hair, nails, wigs, makeup, jewelry, and how all of that ties back to identity and self-esteem

Toni is direct about her own identity:

“Me being a Black woman and even speaking to you and I identify as lesbian… People identify with the person you are, your character, how you experience.”

She’s clear about what she’s trying to protect:

“I’m really big on protecting girlhood and protecting boyhood regardless of the sexuality, because I identify as a Black woman.”

In practice, that means SAGE doesn’t shy away from tough conversations. They meet them head-on, with humility and care.

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## Inside a SAGE Session: The Anonymous Question That Changed the Room

Recently, SAGE launched a new monthly practice: an anonymous question link.

Girls can submit any question they want. No names. No judgment.

On this particular day, the first question that came in was blunt:

"When is the best time to lose your virginity?”

Toni laughs a little telling the story, remembering her internal reaction: “Oh Lord.” But she also knew she was the right person to lead that conversation.

She brought her full background into the room — sociologist, social work graduate student, behavioral health worker, former Boys & Girls Club staff member, and someone who has had these conversations with many groups of girls.

How did she respond?

She didn’t give a simple yes/no, now/later answer. Instead, she reframed the question:

- What is the importance of keeping your virginity?
- How do you know the right time to lose it, if and when that time comes?
- What are the risks and consequences involved — emotionally, physically, spiritually, relationally?
- Do you like someone because he “looks cute” or because he is kind?
- How does your relationship with your father shape what you’re looking for?

Toni grounds everything in identity, self-esteem, and self-awareness. She wants the girls to understand what they are feeling, why they are feeling it, and how it connects to their values and future.

This is the kind of nuance that rarely happens in school health classes or in hurried conversations at home. It requires trust, time, and a room where girls believe: these adults are for me.

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## Step Up, Step Back: Turning a Group into a Village

When Damien asks for a story about “the village” showing up for a girl who needed it, Toni describes an exercise that SAGE uses:

The girls stand on a line.

They hear prompts like:

- Step up if you’ve ever experienced depression.
- Step back.
- Step up if you’ve ever considered self-harm.
- Step back.

It’s simple. It’s visual. And it’s powerful.

Toni struggles a bit to find the perfect word for what happens, but she lands on what matters: the girls look around and realize who else is carrying what.

“Oftentimes that exercise in particular… we’re able to watch the girls step up and actually go hold each other up in those situations, especially when it pertains to self-harm and depression.”

Without any staff telling them to do it, the girls move toward one another. They speak life to each other:

- “I didn’t know you were going through that.”
- “Girl, your hair is really good. I wouldn’t have known.”

Out of that comes something deeper than a single emotional moment. It creates bonds and a sense of shared responsibility.

“Without us having to teach, ‘You need to be your sister’s keeper,’ it automatically manifests itself.”

Damien, hearing this, feels it in his body. As a dad, mentor, and educator, he can picture the girl who steps up when the prompt is about self-harm — and he wants to go hug her.

That is the village in action: not just adults helping kids, but girls realizing, *“You are not alone, and I’ve got you.”*

Toni also knows this kind of exercise is not something to copy quickly or casually. Her sociological training and social work lens inform how she approaches trauma-informed practice. The activity sits inside a carefully built culture of trust, boundaries, and support.

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## Humility as a Mentoring Strategy

Toni returns again and again to one posture: humility.

“If anything, I’m not thankful for who I am all the time. But in being so rooted and grounded in humility, you know, that the girls can actually pick up on it, you know, and learn from it and embody it, too.”

For her, humility is not insecurity. It’s a strategy.

Damien names what he sees in her: a seriousness that says, “I’m here for you whether you like it or not,” but not in a way that pushes girls away.

Toni breaks it down:

- Humility forces authenticity.
- Authenticity forces real conversations.
- Real conversations, handled with compassion and care, produce actual solutions.

In other words, the way mentors *show up* — not just what they say — opens the door for healing and growth.

Damien connects this to his own practice of naming certain spaces as “sacred.” When he is facilitating social and emotional development work, he shows up at “a consistent 90” for young people. Toni does the same.

Both are trying to create rooms where transformation is not just possible — it feels expected.

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## The Hard Truth: Funding, Burnout, and Retaining Quality Mentors

Toward the end of the conversation, Damien hands Toni a “magic wand.” If she could change one thing for SAGE and for the girls they serve, what would it be?

Toni doesn’t hesitate:

“Girls and for the organization in itself, funding.”

She’s fresh off a research project evaluating SAGE’s programming and impact. The core lesson she identified: lack of funding and lack of access to funding, especially for BIPOC-led community organizations.

She names the layered reality:

- SAGE’s founder, Tatiana, is Black and Hispanic.
- Toni is a Black woman.
- The board president is a Black woman.
- Funding is already being stripped in many spaces.
- Funders are requiring proof of impact without always understanding the communities being served.

On top of program delivery, they are also wrestling with infrastructure needs, building networks, and maintaining a strong mentor pipeline.

Toni connects the dots that many leaders feel but don’t always articulate:

> “Funding, funding, funding goes back to a lack of resources, the lack of access to the resources available. And that in turn impacts our girls because oftentimes that impacts the weight that we already carry… and the amount of burnout. And burnout impacts mentorship, mentor retention rates.”

Her point is blunt and honest: retaining *quality* mentors requires money. Passion alone cannot fight burnout.

SAGE is powered by people who “made it out” and chose to come back, but they still have bills, families, and careers of their own. Sustainable funding is not a bonus; it’s the backbone of long-term impact.

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## What Youth-Serving Leaders Can Take From Toni and SAGE

If you lead a youth-development or mentoring organization, Tony’s work offers practical lessons you can adapt to your own context.

### 1. Build Programming That Mirrors Your Girls’ Lived Experience

SAGE exists because generic programming was not enough. Toniand Tatiana know the language, culture, and realities of the girls they serve. Their sessions name:

- Black girlhood explicitly
- Identity and sexuality, without shame
- Culture markers like hair, nails, wigs, and how those shape self-image

Ask yourself:

- Do the adults in your program look like and understand the lived experiences of your youth?
- Where can you bring in staff or volunteers who share identity, culture, or neighborhood with the young people you serve?

### 2. Create Truly Safe Spaces for Hard Questions

The anonymous question link at SAGE opened doors.

You don’t have to copy their exact method, but consider:

- How can young people ask real questions without fear of being judged or identified?
- Do you have staff equipped — through training or professional background — to respond to sensitive topics like sex, self-harm, and depression?

### 3. Let Youth Hold Each Other Up

The step up, step back exercise works because it doesn’t position adults as the only helpers. The girls see each other. They move toward each other.

Design moments in your programming where peers can:

- Recognize shared struggles
- Offer encouragement
- Practice being “their sister’s keeper” or “brother’s keeper” organically

### 4. Lead With Humility and Authenticity

Tony’s posture of humility is not soft; it is strategic. It builds trust.

Have your staff and mentors to:

- Enter sessions as learners as well as guides
- Share appropriately from their own journeys
- Model authenticity instead of perfection

### 5. Advocate Honestly About Funding and Burnout

If you’re feeling the strain Toni described, you are not alone.

Consider:

- Naming burnout and funding constraints clearly to your board and partners
- Exploring collaborations that reduce duplication and share resources
- Documenting stories and outcomes in ways that are honest to your community, not just tailored to grant language

Tony’s work at SAGE is a reminder that powerful, culturally grounded mentoring is happening right now in neighborhoods many funders overlook. The question is whether the wider ecosystem will resource leaders like her to sustain and scale what they’ve already proven possible.

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If you’re curious about how organizations are using technology to support and scale this kind of mentoring work, you can learn more at [https://www.sel-plus.com/selvieai](https://www.sel-plus.com/selvieai).